Dear Justin Bieber,

Please quit stalking me. I’m just trying to enjoy SNL but there you are, crooning away about things you know nothing about. And why does the girl in the music video for “One Less Lonely Girl” look ten years older than you? There is no way this girl would date you. Your voice hasn’t dropped and it’s doubtful that you have hair anyplace important. Do you even shave? P.S. You look like a douche with your stupid high tops and man bangs. And stop wearing skinny jeans. This is a message for all men everywhere. This is not attractive. Trust me. Oh, and stop doing this in pictures.

Just the other week I was in Hot Topic and was shocked to see a t-shirt with your stupid toothy face all over it. “Is this a joke?,” I asked the clerk. “Sadly, no,” she replied, and then proceeded to point out three other J.B. t-shirts I had failed to notice. Four? Really? So unnecessary. There is just no excuse for you.

Everywhere I turn, there you are. If you could sing even a little bit I could maybe begin to understand the Bieber mania, but your voice is truly terrible. (No offense.) And I really wish you would stop dancing. You are not Justin Timberlake. You wish you were Justin Timberlake.

What did I ever do to deserve this? I’m a firm believer in karma and I’m rifling through my past transgressions trying to determine if any of them are bad enough to warrant this kind of cruel and unusual punishment. The next time I anger the big J.C. I’ll take the iron maiden, thank you very much. Karma really is a bitch.

I’m only going to say this once. Watch your back, Bieber. If you don’t shut the smurf up I will hunt you down and cut you up. Just try me.