I have a simple request. A suggestion, really. When you are driving and wish to merge/change lanes/pass me, please use your signal. This is not a complicated thing to do. Honest. In fact, it’s probably one of the easiest things to master when it comes to driving. It’s right up there with buckling your seatbelt and adjusting your mirrors. Why, if it’s so simple, you may ask, don’t more people do it? Good question, grasshopper. The answer is threefold. Laziness, carelessness, stupidity. A dangerous trifecta many American drivers seem to possess, unfortunately.

Since it literally takes only one finger to use your signal, there’s really no excuse for not using it. If this proves too arduous for you, or you’re not confident in your ability to signal, perhaps you should consult your doctor. I’m sure he or she could provide you with the necessary finger exercises so you can practice at home. Until then, stay off the mothersmurfing roads! I’m tired of being nearly killed by assholes in gas guzzling Hummers driving as if they are headed into battle, or by douchebags and douchebaguettes too busy texting to be bothered to watch the road (so sorry to interrupt!), or by ladies who are seemingly incapable of setting their alarms early enough so they have ample time to apply their mascara at home (it only takes a minute!). And while I’m ranting, what is with you assholes that ride my ass even though I’m already speeding, then passing me (without signaling!), and then slowing down? Or how about those fuckwads who when you try to pass them decide to speed up and not let you in, and when you do finally get ahead of them they ride your ass? What the what!?

Folks, your car is not your office, nor is it a salon. Don’t be a Douchey McDoucherson. Pay attention and, please, use your signals. Allow me the courtesy of arriving at my destination alive and in one piece (my car included). Remember this: there’s another thing that can be done with one finger and I exercise it freely when someone cuts me off.

But again, this is just a suggestion…