School is, as Alice Cooper once prophesized, out for summer, which means every location I visit is suddenly clogged with hordes of teenagers.  I’m not going to lie to you: I’m a little afraid of teenagers.  I was a little afraid of teenagers when I was a teenager, but then people do say I’m an old soul.  There’s something about those bored, sullen faces that suggests they either know more than I ever will and are silently lording it over me OR that they know nothing at all but really couldn’t give a smurf.  I wanted to refer to their faces as “shiny” and “pimply” but they’ve trumped the preceding generations once again with their Proactiv bottles and Neutrogena skin clearing makeup.  What is the world coming to when teenagers can’t even be relied upon to have embarrassing bouts of socially debilitating acne? 

Have you ever noticed how teenagers are always laughing?  You just know it has something to do with you, and it’s not flattering.  Damn them and their secret languages and rubber bracelets!  They always seem to travel in packs, like hyenas hunting for easy prey.  Heaven forbid you should trip in their vicinity; you might as well just lie there and wait for the ravenous herd to descend.

Lately, I’ve been observing a new, deeply suspicious breed of teenagers who dress conservatively, speak respectfully to their parents, and say please and thank you.  What are they on about?  These kids even bake and craft, taking up the mantle of domestic goddess their mothers shed to embrace the working world.  How can a person possibly compete with this new breed of clear skinned, hard working Pleasantville resident?  I’m not fooled.  I know that underneath those demure cardigans and polite manners lay snarky, blood thirsty tyrants just waiting to get out.   And when they finally escape, there will be no help for the rest of us.

Is it Fall yet? 

T

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