1. Meteorologists with opinions – Your job is to predict the weather, okay?  Not to force your opinions about what a beautiful day it’s going to be down our throats.  Perhaps not everyone agrees with you about how “perfect” 86 degrees and sunshine is.  Ever think about that?
  2. “Beach reads” – This is how big, meaty novels released in the summer are described, but this expression makes no sense to us.  Beaches are noisy and crowded, demanding frivolous, throwaway entertainment.  Do people actually lie out in the sun all day reading Dickens?  If so, it’d be more accurate to call it a “skin cancer read.”
  3. Kerchief and knapsack – Why do authors and television writers employ these words as though real people actually say them out loud?  No one uses these words.  It’s impossible to say either one without sounding like an ass.
  4. Preggers – Pregnancy is sappy and cutesy enough without using this stupid nickname.  (Note: we will allow an exception for ironic usage.  Obvi.)
  5. Back to school ads in the summer – Can’t you let those poor kids have at least one blissful month without reminding them of the imminent demise of their freedom and happiness?
  6. Gum snapping – Also, gum chewing in general.  There is nothing classy or attractive about incessant mastication.  If we can see or hear your gum, it’s time to spit it out.
  7. Women applying makeup while driving – Ladies, you make all of womankind look bad when you do this.  You’re also endangering the drivers around you, not to mention smudging your mascara.  Knock it off.
  8. Posthumous duets – Whose bright idea was it to take an old track of Sinatra’s glorious crooning and muck it all up by inserting an entirely unnecessary echo by a modern singer?  We expect this crap from the likes of Enrique Iglesias, but Bono, you should know better!
  9. Personal space invaders – You know these people: they brush shoulders with you at the bookstore, they sit directly beside you even though the whole restaurant is empty, and they lean over you to look at whatever you saw first.  They have no respect for personal space bubbles, and they must be stopped.
  10. Loud talkers – There is no reason to shout into your cell phone.  They can hear you just fine.  There is also no need to force your conversation on the entire restaurant.  Inside voices, please!
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