Tag Archive: Justin Bieber


Dear Justin Bieber,

Please quit stalking me. I’m just trying to enjoy SNL but there you are, crooning away about things you know nothing about. And why does the girl in the music video for “One Less Lonely Girl” look ten years older than you? There is no way this girl would date you. Your voice hasn’t dropped and it’s doubtful that you have hair anyplace important. Do you even shave? P.S. You look like a douche with your stupid high tops and man bangs. And stop wearing skinny jeans. This is a message for all men everywhere. This is not attractive. Trust me. Oh, and stop doing this in pictures.

Just the other week I was in Hot Topic and was shocked to see a t-shirt with your stupid toothy face all over it. “Is this a joke?,” I asked the clerk. “Sadly, no,” she replied, and then proceeded to point out three other J.B. t-shirts I had failed to notice. Four? Really? So unnecessary. There is just no excuse for you.

Everywhere I turn, there you are. If you could sing even a little bit I could maybe begin to understand the Bieber mania, but your voice is truly terrible. (No offense.) And I really wish you would stop dancing. You are not Justin Timberlake. You wish you were Justin Timberlake.

What did I ever do to deserve this? I’m a firm believer in karma and I’m rifling through my past transgressions trying to determine if any of them are bad enough to warrant this kind of cruel and unusual punishment. The next time I anger the big J.C. I’ll take the iron maiden, thank you very much. Karma really is a bitch.

I’m only going to say this once. Watch your back, Bieber. If you don’t shut the smurf up I will hunt you down and cut you up. Just try me.

Sincerely,

K

  1. Irregardless.  Not actually a word, despite the alarming fact that our spell check didn’t underline it.  “Irregardless” stands in for all those other bastardizations of the English language that are becoming part of common parlance.  (See our entry on mooshed words in the last That’s So Stupid.)  Just say regardless, please.
  2. Greatest hits compilations from bands with fewer than three albums.  Artists with dense back catalogs and numerous musical phases are encouraged to have greatest hits albums for the benefit of casual listeners.  Hilary Duff doesn’t need one.
  3. Justin Bieber.  This one is for K, who adamantly declares, “There is just no reason for this kid to exist.”  T somehow hasn’t been exposed to his prepubescent warbling but was very alarmed by his toothy smile on the cover of People and trusts her fellow Panda’s judgment.
  4. Toe cancer.  Seriously.  This is an actual illness.  Bob Marley had it.  Ridiculous!
  5. Characters who have British accents despite the fact that they’re supposed to be from other countries.  Take Enemy at the Gates for example: great movie, but why are the Russians all British and the Nazis American?  You’re a good actor, Joseph Fiennes—do a Russian accent!
  6. Driving a convertible with the top down and the windows up.  It’s the motor vehicle equivalent of wearing socks with sandals.  You look stupid.
  7. Wearing workout clothes when you’re not actually, you know, working out.  Is it just us, or do the people who wear workout clothes the most spend the least time at the gym?
  8. Fanny packs.  There was a time when this one would have been self explanatory but, horror of horrors, our fashion magazines tell us they’re making a comeback.  We’ll just assume, for the sake of our mental well being, that this is just an elaborate ruse and not an actual trend.  Fingers crossed.
  9. BluRay previews on standard DVDs.  Experience the difference!  The thing is, we can’t.  Your flashy preview looks exactly the same as a normal DVD because we’re watching it on a normal DVD player.  Duh.
  10. The current 3D mania.  We Pandas are not opposed to big budget, special effects-laden 3D extravaganzas, but cringe at the unnecessary expansion of this trend into normal movies, like the upcoming Step Up 3D.  Nope, didn’t make that up.  One could make the case for the benefits of Channing Tatum’s abs in 3D, and we’d be willing to listen, but save the 3D for Avatar and stop trying to give us headaches and eye strain.