Category: That's So Stupid! / That's So Fetch!

  1. Humming – Hear that nice song playing on the radio right now?  Yeah, we can’t hear it either.  Because you’re humming.  Off key.  Stop it.
  2. People who call into radio shows without thinking through what they’re going to say first — “Yeah, uh, hi.  I have a comment to make?  About the topic you’re discussing?  I, uh, think that, uh, it’s wrong?  You know?”
  3. Pinky rings, particularly on men – Unless you’re in the mafia or loosely connected to it as well as prodigiously talented like Frank Sinatra, this accessory is not for you.  Kindly remove it from your finger.
  4. Leaving Christmas decorations up all year long – Sure, you could argue that they’ll eventually be current again, but that’s no excuse for leaving your Christmas decorations up all summer long.  They’re not special and pretty in July, folks.
  5. Overly “helpful” sales associates – Saying hello and asking if we need any assistance is perfectly acceptable and pleasant.  Continuing to hound us after we’ve said no thanks is not.
  6. Cell phone use in the library – This one should be a no-brainer but sadly it’s not, because someone is loudly chatting away on their phone every time we enter the library.  Does the word “shhhhh” mean nothing to you?   
  7. The return of 90s style – It makes us feel horribly old to have the fashion of our youth come around again.  Mini backpacks and platform sneakers?  We’re old enough to know better now, and we refuse to give in.
  8. The cost of replacement parts – How is it that a replacement drum for a printer costs more than the printer itself?  You end up having to scrap the whole thing and buy a new one, which is downright wasteful.  They just don’t make ‘em like they used to.  (And yes, we’re aware this sentiment makes us sound like octogenarians.)
  9. Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins splitting up – We are still upset about this.  Never getting married was supposed to preserve them from divorcing after decades of non-connubial bliss!
  10. Other people’s conversations – Is there anything more boring?  Dear lady behind T in line at the theatre: your friend must really adore you to listen to your excruciatingly detailed, fifteen minute anecdote about your trip to Target that afternoon.        
  1. Gnomes – How silently they sit there, observing us day in and day out.  How much they must know and yet how little they reveal.  Inscrutable.  Irresistible! 
  2. Cole Porter – Pretty sure he was a robot from the future.  How else do you explain the prolific output and ridiculously witty lyricism of this songwriter?  Robot for sure.
  3. Peanut butter – Quite possibly the most versatile and delicious spread ever created!  Peanut butter is the perfect accompaniment to English muffins, bagels, pancakes, bread, crackers, etc.  Mmmm.
  4. Air conditioning – How in Jefferson’s name did people exist in the summer before central air?
  5. Dean Winters – He was heartbreaking as Sarah Connor’s jilted fiancé on Terminator, and then he turned around and made us laugh through our cringes as Liz’s insufferable boyfriend Dennis on 30 Rock.  Now we get to see him every commercial break as Mayhem, dropping trees on cars.  Well done, sir.
  6. Mad Men – Yes, this show receives heaps of praise from critics, but you know what?  It deserves every word.  Sexy Joan!  That lovable scoundrel Don!  Crazypants worse-mother-ever Betty!  But someone needs to punch Pete Campbell in the face.    
  7. Rufus Sewell – This man should never be out of period clothing, the broody bastard!  There’s something just slightly off about his face.  We’ve never been able to put a finger on it, but it only makes him sexier.
  8. Joan Jett – The shag haircut!  The leather pants!  The snarl!  Oh yeah, and she’s a pretty good musician, too.
  9. “Background artists” – Thanks to Ricky Gervais’ brilliant show Extras, we have a newfound appreciation for those thankless actors who populate scenes and strive in vain for one speaking line.  When they’re doing their job well, we shouldn’t (and don’t) even notice them.
  10. Greek – By all rights, this show should be stupid and pretty redundant after years of frat boy films, but it someone manages to be sweet, funny and—gasp—intelligent.  T ♥ Cappie!  
  1. Meteorologists with opinions – Your job is to predict the weather, okay?  Not to force your opinions about what a beautiful day it’s going to be down our throats.  Perhaps not everyone agrees with you about how “perfect” 86 degrees and sunshine is.  Ever think about that?
  2. “Beach reads” – This is how big, meaty novels released in the summer are described, but this expression makes no sense to us.  Beaches are noisy and crowded, demanding frivolous, throwaway entertainment.  Do people actually lie out in the sun all day reading Dickens?  If so, it’d be more accurate to call it a “skin cancer read.”
  3. Kerchief and knapsack – Why do authors and television writers employ these words as though real people actually say them out loud?  No one uses these words.  It’s impossible to say either one without sounding like an ass.
  4. Preggers – Pregnancy is sappy and cutesy enough without using this stupid nickname.  (Note: we will allow an exception for ironic usage.  Obvi.)
  5. Back to school ads in the summer – Can’t you let those poor kids have at least one blissful month without reminding them of the imminent demise of their freedom and happiness?
  6. Gum snapping – Also, gum chewing in general.  There is nothing classy or attractive about incessant mastication.  If we can see or hear your gum, it’s time to spit it out.
  7. Women applying makeup while driving – Ladies, you make all of womankind look bad when you do this.  You’re also endangering the drivers around you, not to mention smudging your mascara.  Knock it off.
  8. Posthumous duets – Whose bright idea was it to take an old track of Sinatra’s glorious crooning and muck it all up by inserting an entirely unnecessary echo by a modern singer?  We expect this crap from the likes of Enrique Iglesias, but Bono, you should know better!
  9. Personal space invaders – You know these people: they brush shoulders with you at the bookstore, they sit directly beside you even though the whole restaurant is empty, and they lean over you to look at whatever you saw first.  They have no respect for personal space bubbles, and they must be stopped.
  10. Loud talkers – There is no reason to shout into your cell phone.  They can hear you just fine.  There is also no need to force your conversation on the entire restaurant.  Inside voices, please!
  1. Piper Perabo – She’s cute, talented, funny and friends with K’s imaginary bff Lena Headey.  It’s about time someone gave her a show of her own!
  2. Satirical social commentary – Who needs dry, straight-laced statistics when you can get the point across so much more effectively in a funny, well written satire like Natural Born Killers?
  3. Garfunkel & Oates – Such wisdom and spot-on observations sung (sometimes rapped) by two genius young women who have a sly way with words.  Pregnant women are smug!  Thank you, ladies, for finally saying what needed to be said.
  4. Cloth bags – Paper or plastic?  Neither!
  5. Minnesota Public Radio – Where else can you get Prairie Home Companion, Car Talk, up-to-the-minute news updates, balanced political commentary, and (huzzah!) literary discussions all in one place?  Yeah, we’re nerds.
  6. Paul Rudd – Dearest Paul Rudd, we’ve loved you since we first met you in Clueless all those years ago and, if such a thing is possible, you’ve only gotten cuter and funnier since then.  We bet you smell good, too.  Please come give us a hug.  Love, T&K.
  7. Apples to Apples – You say “sexy,” I put down…”Nazi”?  This game is possibly the best way to dig into someone’s disturbed psyche since Freud got all up in psychoanalysis.
  8. Bowling – The Pandas’ sport of choice!  Our games usually degenerate into childish name calling and spontaneous 60s-inspired dance parties, but we still manage to fit a few poorly shot frames in.
  9. Victorian-era gothic romance – Is your lover digging up your grave because you keep haunting him?  Are you being tormented by the impetuous gentleman who employs you as a governess?  Or trying to hide your secret, illegitimate child?  Chances are you’re in a gothic romance!
  10. Juliette Lewis – Someone had to carry on the spandex-wearing, riot grrrl spirit of rock n’ roll, and that person is…actress Juliette Lewis?  Yes!
  1. Maxi dresses – Maybe we’re just not stylish enough to pick up on the appeal of this trend, but to our uneducated eyes, it looks like you’re wearing a sheet.  Isn’t the point of wearing a summer dress to keep you cool?  How are you doing that by tangling your legs up in fabric?
  2. South Pacific – Ugh.  It’s the kiss of death for a musical: awful songs!  Someone once told T she only dislikes this musical because she’s never had an enchanted evening or had to wash a man out of her hair.  T counts herself lucky.
  3. Actors talking about their craft – We love movies, and we love reading interviews with our favorite actors, but the second they start talking about their craft, we groan in disgust and turn the page.  You get paid obscene amounts of money to play make believe for a living.  Don’t get pompous on us.
  4. High fructose corn syrup – Why does my bread have corn syrup in it?  Why do flavored “waters” have it?  Why does EVERYTHING have corn syrup in it?  No wonder we’re becoming such a hefty nation!
  5. Characters’ sleeping attire – Who goes to bed with their hair styled, in full makeup, wearing a push-up bra?  Fictional characters, that’s who!
  6. Whimsy for sale! – We pick on cutesy gift shoppes (insert K’s cringe here) all the time, so you might think there’d be nothing left for us to mock.  Ha!  Think again!  Our current fascination is with a little store in town that lists “whimsy” as part of its sundries.  How does one purchase whimsy?  By the gallon?  Is it bottled?  Canned?
  7. Sophomore effort – Come on, rock journalists.  Must you always refer to a band’s second album as their “sophomore effort”?  Can’t you just say “second album”?  Apparently not, though we realize we might be the only people bothered by this.  That’s why we have each other.
  8. Ticketmaster fees – How can you possibly justify a “convenience” charge when there’s no other way to buy tickets?  That’s not convenient, that’s a monopoly!
  9. Natch – Enough already!  Stop trying to make “natch” happen, journalists!  It’s not going to happen.  Also, you don’t sound hip when you use this.  You sound stupid.  We thought it was about time someone told you.
  10. Jesus bumper stickers – What is it about Christians that they feel the need to plaster evidence of their faith on everything?  You don’t see “Got Muhammad?” bumper stickers.  As far as we know, you don’t get into Heaven on the basis of how many Jesus figurines, stickers, bracelets, and tee shirts you own, but maybe the rules have changed since our last theology class.

In honor of our American Independence Day, we proudly present our favorite British slang!  This logic might only make sense to us.

  1. Dollybird – For ladies as attractive as dolls who, also like dolls, have stuffing for brains.
  2. Mad as pants – Not sure what makes pants particularly mad, but we reckon it’s a catchy phrase.
  3. Slag – So much classier than calling someone a slut.
  4. Off my head – An apt description of insanity.
  5. Gone wrong – As in, you’ve passed your sell-by date.
  6. Pikey – The British equivalent of American white trash.
  7. Grotty – A wonderfully descriptive adjective combining gross, dirty, and gritty, first heard (by us) in A Hard Day’s Night.
  8. How’s yer father – Somehow this refers to having intercourse.  Typing of which…
  9. Shag – Way better than our euphemisms, like bone or pork.
  10. Chuffed – We’re delighted!
  1. Obscenely lengthy mid-season hiatuses – Is it really necessary to take a show off the air for months at a time in the middle of a season?  How does the studio expect us to remember what was happening or stay with the continuity of the show?  Be warned: if you make us find something else to watch, you might never get us back.
  2. Humidity – That bastard.  He knows what he did.
  3. Album injustices – Good band likes the Prissteens break up after one album, while crappy bands manage to stay together and produce way too many albums (“way too many” is classified as anything over one).  K says, “I’m looking at you, Jonas Brothers!”
  4. Lady at the co-op last week – This one goes out to the Pop Chips lady who attempted to return an open bag of the aforementioned snack to our local co-op because she didn’t like the flavor.  Her defense?  “You should’ve had samples out.”  In arguing that she felt “really bad about that” but still demanding—and receiving!— a return, she earned a place on this list.
  5. “Proud Parent” bumper stickers – When T earned one of these at school, her mother replied, “Why would I deface my car with that stupid thing?”  Her parents agreed that it was funny though and promptly stuck it on the back of her troublemaking brother’s mud truck to deter cops from pulling him over.
  6. Fanny packs – There’s really no excuse for these deeply unattractive things, unless you’re involved in some sort of outdoor exercise like biking, and even then there must be a less ugly alternative.  Out shopping and want your hands free?  Wear a cross-body or messenger bag.  Or stick your cash and ID in your pocket to avoid bags all together.  But for Franklin’s sake, do not strap on a fanny pack.
  7. Terms like “cougar” – Why is it that a sexually active older woman earns a derogatory, dehumanizing nickname like cougar, whereas an older man who’s sexually active is just called a man?
  8. Drunk girls –We know you think you look cute and funny and believe that everyone in the room thinks you’re hot, but in actuality, you are making an ass of yourself.  It’s painful to watch.  You don’t look cute; you look like an intoxicated idiot who is really going to regret groping a stranger in front of her future mother-in-law.
  9. Creepy older men hitting on impressionable young Pandas – Having someone find you attractive is always a compliment, regardless of the source.  That being said, it’s a thin line between flattering compliment and icky come-on that makes you want to take a shower.  Please stay on the proper side of that line, gentlemen. 
  10.  Homophobia – Not to get too serious on you, but in honor of Pride Month,  we send a big “that’s so stupid!” to ignorant homophobes who just can’t grasp that, to paraphrase Russell Brand, we’re all the same flavor underneath our different colored candy wrappers.
  1. Thrift stores — Where else can you find a mint condition Willow folder that’s only a year younger than you are?  Or a weird old wall hanging that needs to come home with you?  As an added bonus, second hand stores help the cycle of reducing and reusing.  You really can’t go wrong.
  2. Board games – A time-honored tradition in our vicious girl gang.  We’re big fans of Taboo, Apples to Apples, Barbie Queen of the Prom and, if we’re feeling blood thirsty, Trivial Pursuit.  The Saved by the Bell game had to be banned after feuding led to too many hurt feelings (and limbs).
  3. True Blood – As mildly annoyed as we are with this vampire craze*, we can’t resist the smoldering Southern gentleman Bill, sexy-scary Viking Eric, and willful heroine Sookie (say it with us, “Suh-kee”).
  4. Fake bands – Whether it’s Maxwell Demon crooning in a sequined jumpsuit or Josie and the Pussycats wailing on about their Marshall stacks, we’re hooked on fictional bands.  Songs by The Wonders and Eddie and the Cruisers are better than most real bands can generate.
  5. Golden Girls – The misadventures, sexual conquests, and sassy banter of four single ladies living together.  Did we mention they’re all over 60?
  6. Megan Fox – Whether or not she’s a good actress is up for debate and she’s so attractive she might be an alien, but we do enjoy her.
  7. Daria – Best teenager ever?  Role model for us all?  Yes!  We’re so happy this glorious series is finally on DVD that we’re willing to forgive the licensing issues that removed all the wonderful 90s music. 
  8. Russell Brand – Someone possessed with this much charm, talent and rakish ability to wear a top hat couldn’t not be a rock star.
  9. K’s hair – “It’s not fair.  It takes her five minutes to style and she’s done.  It just hangs there, straight as a Michael Bolton concert.  Don’t even get me started on how cute her fringe looks with a ponytail.  You suck, K!” –Love, T
  10. Derek Zoolander – No matter how many years pass and male models come and go, you’ll always be our favorite.  Blue Steel is incomparable, and Magnum blew us away.  Thank you for being really, really, really ridiculously good looking.

* Note: It’s not that we’re opposed to vampires.  Quite the reverse, actually.  What annoys us is all the crap we had to take for years as diehard Buffy fans, only to have everyone jump on the undead bandwagon a decade later.

  1. American flag clothing – Because nothing screams patriotism like plastering the symbol of our nation’s freedom on your ass!
  2. Gross vehicular accoutrements – Seriously, why the plastic testicles hanging from your hitch?  What does that even mean?  And plastic fetuses protesting abortion?  Yuck.  A simple “choose life” sticker would have sufficed.
  3. Voice messages featuring children or pets – I’m sure you think this is really clever and shows what a fun-loving family you are.  You are sadly mistaken.  You just convinced us not to leave a message.
  4. “Baby on Board” signs – Is this supposed to make us take special care around your car?  Do you want a medal for transporting an infant?  Because this sign kind of makes us want to hit you.  Don’t worry: we’ll avoid the backseat.
  5. The way sitcom characters dress at home – Who sits around in a dress and tights to do their homework?  We realize actors want to look good, but it distracts us when homebodies are wearing shoes and going out clothes just to sit around their apartments.
  6. National Days/Months – As in National Iced Tea Month, which is occurring right now!  And we have National Catfish Month to look forward to in August!  Not to mention all the made up days that force people to buy cards or risk looking like thoughtless jerks, such as Grandparents Day, Secretaries Day, Boss Day, et al.
  7. Ribbons – Not a day goes by that we don’t see these obnoxious yellow magnets decorating every third car that drives by.  Isn’t it possible to Support Our Troops without plastering a declaration on your truck?
  8. Child leashes – Not only are these things stupid, they’re downright humiliating and more than a little dehumanizing.  Your child is not a dog.  Please don’t walk him on a leash.
  9. Sex toy parties – “Eew” doesn’t even begin to cover it.  Maybe we’re just stuffy, old fashioned prudes, but we think a person’s sex toy preferences should be kept to themselves (and their partners), not shared with a room full of randy women.
  10. Discontinuing perfectly good products – Some companies are such filthy teases, getting us hooked on white cheddar Cheetos, beach wave hairspray, and powder cappuccino, then taking it all away without warning.  Not cool.
  1. Vinyl – There’s just something about that scratchy sound, the hiss as the needle meets its grove, that can never be topped by mp3s.  Not to mention the glorious canvas that is cover art, creating the satisfyingly substantial piece of music history you hold in your hands.
  2. The noble art of falconry – Falconers just don’t get the credit they deserve.  They daily dance with death, their limbs mere gloves away from being ripped to the bone by the monstrous claws of their beloved birds.  And the cheesy jokes; we appreciate them.  This one’s for you, anonymous falconer at the prairie grass reserve event.
  3. Banjos – No longer the sole property of bluegrass bands, this timeless instrument has been adopted by punks and comedians alike to create beautiful music.  If it’s good enough for Django Reinhardt, Sufjan Stevens, and the Dropkick Murphys, it’s good enough for us.
  4. Urban Decay – For those of us who think a purple smoky eye is perfectly appropriate for seven o’clock in the morning.
  5. Flea Markets – Perhaps it’s the smell of mini donuts wafting through the air, or the tables piled high with more odds and end than you can shake a mannequin head at, but flea markets are some of our favorite places on earth!  Last year, T finally scored a mint-in-box Troll Barbie, righting a wrong committed over a decade ago when she chose to get a Polly Pocket instead of this clearly superior doll.
  6. Men in kilts – It takes a confident, dare we say badass, sort of fellow to bare his legs with the sort of frank ease required of a kilt.  Like Samuel L. Jackson or Ewan McGregor.  And if you see a man wearing his kilt with combat boot and a punk tee, please send him to us.
  7. Pancakes with beer – Quite possibly the best combination ever, yet so many restaurants overlook the genius of offering alcohol with their breakfast menu.  If only Denny’s had a liquor license, we’d never leave.  Thank you, St. Clair Broiler, for understanding and answering our plea.
  8. Pie – Best dessert ever?  It even has nutritional value!  From the edges of its hearty crust to its gooey, often fruity filling, pie is one of those perfect concoctions that time and science cannot improve upon.
  9. Steve Martin’s dance in The Jerk – This can’t be replicated with any amount of success.  We’ve tried.  Mr. Steve Martin, you sir are a golden god.
  10.  Handlebar mustaches and mutton chops – Is it just us, or do these grooming staples of old timey villains who tie damsels to railroad tracks and forgotten 19th century presidents need to make a comeback?